Tessa. 19. Music. Doctor Who. Tea. Concerts. Life.
finally brave enough to post this.
current song: fallout - marianas trench.
Do you ever just have those days where you don’t feel right? Where nothing feels right? Those days when you just want to curl up in a dark place and hide in the silence? Those are the days where you just need an escape, any kind of escape? I’m so tired of being tired. I just want to feel safe in my own mind and I want to breathe without feeling so self conscious. All the words around me are melting together, turning into soft whispers, and fading into the dark. All I hear is silence, an empty silence. I don’t recognize any of this anymore. Everyone’s faces have turned dark and their eyes have glazed over. They aren’t here anymore. I don’t know them anymore. What would I see if I looked in the mirror? I can’t remember the last time I saw my own reflection. I’m so tired of what I see. I just look right through it now; pretending it doesn’t exist.
I don’t even know if I can escape anymore. All the roads and maps have been erased and I’m stuck at an intersection that no longer exists. I’m waiting for you. I don’t want to sit down and give up but I’m tired of walking through the dark. I can’t see anything or anyone. I’m tired of being alone here. Why aren’t you by my side? Why did I let you walk away that night? I know I couldn’t control it but I didn’t even try. My body was paralyzed while my mind was screaming out for you, but you didn’t hear a sound. My lungs were caving in. My heart had just given up beating. You were right there, so close to me. I didn’t even say a word. If I reached out for you, would you reach back for me?
I see you every night but you never stay. You’re all that’s clear to me anymore, but now, I’m not sure you really exist. You can’t be real. I fear that I’ve made you up in my mind. Sometimes I can trick myself into thinking you’re only away for a little while. On vacation; you’re coming back to me. Sometimes I even believe that I’ll get to touch you again.
Everything seems fine. I finally believe that I’m okay again. Then it comes down on me like a ton of bricks. I remember that you’re not mine; you never were. You’re not even real. Nothing is. That’s about the time I feel the floor shatter beneath me. All the oxygen in the room disappears and is replaced by toxic vapor, seeping into my pores. My muscles start to rip apart. My bones begin to crack. Why have I built you up so much and why am I still reaching out for you like I have a chance? I’ve never felt this pathetic. I’ve gone too far this time.
I don’t remember how to get back to myself. That being said, I don’t remember much about myself before you crept into my thoughts. How dumb can I be? I gave all of myself to you. I ripped out my heart and shoved it full of everything I hold inside. I gave it to you. Everything. I gave you everything. I slipped it into your back pocket when you slipped your arms around me. I thought I’d be okay without it. I thought I’d get it back. But now I’ve realized that I’m never getting it back. It fell out of your pocket when everyone else was pulling on you. They all wanted your attention, but I needed it. I need you. It fell out under everyone’s shoes and was crushed as you walked away. But I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault. I know you don’t like crowds. I understand that you had to get away. I just wish you would’ve taken me with you. I let you walk away with everything I had left. Now I’m stuck here and I don’t know who I am anymore.
“maybe i should ask for help. maybe i should kill myself.”
I don’t know who to ask for help. I’m not even sure anyone should. I don’t know what’s wrong with me so how could I even begin to try and explain it to someone else? Saying goodbye wouldn’t even feel like goodbye. I feel like I’d be stuck in the same state. It would be dark and cold. You still wouldn’t be here. There’s no way to fix what’s going on. I’m going to be trapped in this place forever.
Maybe not. I could try to become a different person but I know I’d never be myself again. I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t know who to be. You’ve become a part of me. You’ve touched every part of me. I’m turning into someone, something that I hate. I’ve never been this mean before. I never wanted to become this person. I’m too selfish; too wrapped up in my own head. I’ll do anything I have to, as long as it leads me to you. But no matter what I do, I just get lost when I’m searching for you. I’ve turned cold. I’ve turned into a bitch. I act like I’m okay but I just know how to lie. I must be obsessed with you. That’s the only explanation.
You’re all I think about. You’re all I talk about. I can feel everyone getting bored with me. I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t mean to bother people. I’ve decided to just hold all my thoughts inside and shut down. I shut down to avoid annoying people; to avoid annoying myself. I want to hate you. I’ve tried to hate you. It’s not possible. I can’t bring myself to do it. You’re like a drug. I’m addicted to you. I get sick when you leave me. I get high when I see you. I turn to you when I need a pick me up. I can’t put you down.
I want to share everything with you. I want to know every part of you. I want to show you every part of me. Let’s share our dreams, our fears, and our darkest secrets. I want to be by your side when you need someone to hold onto. I want to be the one you call when you need to talk. I want to be the one you cuddle with in a thunderstorm. I want to be everything you need. I want a chance to make you happy; to make you smile. Let me kiss you in the pouring rain. Let me make you soup when you’re sick. Let me take care of you. Let me love you. I want to make you laugh. I want to argue with you. I want to talk until we pass out. I’ll never judge you on your past. I’ll be your safe haven. I’ll take you off that high horse and call you out when you”re being a dick. And I know you will be. You’ll be a royal pain in the ass sometimes, but as long as I get to see those eyes, it will be worth it. I’ll walk through hell to make you happy.
As long as I get to see your smile. As long as I get to see your eyes. As long as I get to hear your voice. As long as I get to watch you laugh. As long as I get to see you happy. I just want you to be happy. I just want to make you happy. I’d fight a war to find you your ever after.
